Every day this week, we’ll be visiting a version of Skyrim unlike
any you’ve ever seen before – a world thrown into anarchy and chaos by
Sheogorath, God of Madness, and the assistance of over 200
blindly-installed mods. In our second part, we use magic portals to go
clothes shopping in a world with a one-track mind, take a scenic trip
through the woods, and Lydia… well, she’s not happy.
Catch up on the adventure: Day 1
When we last saw our ever-heroic heroine Compass, Whiterun had just
been saved from a dragon in sunglasses and a big purple hat, the land of
Skyrim was newly filled with Nords shouting “Fus Ro Dah” at lions and
dinosaurs, and in gratitude for saving his Hold, the Jarl of Whiterun
had assigned Lydia to be her Housecarl. That at least was familiar
enough… except that instead of being the snarky, well-prepared fighter
we know and frequently make walk into traps, it turned out poor Lydia
had found herself at the business end of some horny modder’s fashion
sense. Our story continues…
Oblivion-damned geeks!
Hurry up and give me a spare Hammerfell Cuirass or a bit of plate or a
mage’s robe… I’ll take anything. You must have something in your bag.
You’d
think, but I emptied all that crap out of my inventory on the way up
here to buy some new spells. See? I can throw fireballs now. Boom! I
also bought this book about magical fungus. You can borrow it if you
like.
Well, do something! Everyone in Dragonsreach is going to be heading here for dinner in a few minutes!
Pfft. Like I can just say ‘put on a full set of Daedric heavy plate armour’ and-
Oh, thank the Divines. Right. Now-
No,
no, no. As your Thane, in the name of your personal development and for
the sake of your soul, I refuse to allow this. Change back out of that
nonsense immediately and never do that again.
What? You’ve got to be-
It’s
for your own good. Cheating, getting something for nothing – what kind
of boss would I be if I endorsed that kind of slack adventuring? On this
quest we make our way in the world legitimately, missy.
Thane or not, I will have my revenge for this.
Yeah, right. You and what armour?
Despite appearances, there actually
is a pragmatic reason to
stick to ‘real’ gear. Several characters now offer a dress-up menu, but
it’s not immediately clear whether it’s simply an aesthetic choice, or
they actually get the bonuses of the armour set you have them wear – a
wide selection from tavern uniforms to assorted armours to… well… other
things. Exactly what bonus a complete ‘schoolgirl’ set would impart, I
have no idea. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. I’m certainly not
Googling it.
All of these presented in the same creepy way, which is… well, okay
when it’s a supposedly consenting love interest or similar, but
seriously weird when it’s a regular follower – or in the case of Lydia,
someone who’s essentially a employee who’s been ordered to serve you.
Amongst the options available are:
“I’ve noticed how tight your Dark Brotherhood leather is.”
“I have trouble controlling myself when you’re naked.”
“I think wedding dresses look classy.”
But you know what really stands out about all of this? While I’m sure
there are mods out there that turn every conversation into a potential
scene from the most awkward porn movie ever, none of those seem to be
installed in this playthrough. Instead, at the top of this list is… wait
for it…
“Someone needs a hug.”
Awww. And they say romance is dead.
The
Skyforge? My Thane, why have you brought me here? I can’t walk around
town looking like this – I have my reputation to think of!
Not
anymore! Anyway, I had this great idea. Why spend ‘money’ on things
made by so-called ‘professionals’ when we can just grab some resources,
make our own gear, and still have enough cash left to find out what
Skooma tastes like?
And you can actually do this?
I’m almost positive I can.
A lot of clothes in the game have just automatically changed – the
standard female mage robe for instance now has a rather prominent hole
exactly where you’d think, given Lydia’s current uniform and the rather
pornier things I’m not showing. You still have to acquire them though,
with some found in stores, but most crafted at a forge. Almost as weird
as some of the items is the fact that you’re expected to bring a whole
ton of materials, rather than the recipe just being a loaf of bread or
something – a sack of ebony for instance, or Daedric hearts that you’re
probably not going to just stumble across.
But I suppose this is only reasonable. If you’re going to mod a game
like Skyrim, you obviously want to stick as close as possible to the
Skyrim economic system and esteemed Elder Scrolls lore.
There. Behold, the finest armour in all Tamriel!
Speak up. Your muffled agreement almost sounds like sobbing.
That
head wasn’t even hollow! Look, it’s easy. Steel armour. Iron armour.
Fur armour. I don’t care, just as long as it at least pretends to try
and cover my entire ass.
Of course. Anything for my most loyal Housecarl.
Thank y-
-is
what I’d say if I hadn’t just used the last of our crafting resources
making these new boots for myself. Don’t worry though, I’m sure we’ll be
able to whip up some more traditionally heroic gear when we get to the
our next town or fifth.
You
want me to parade through every bloody hold in the country in these
humiliating outfits, purely to give you a cheap excuse to go
sight-seeing instead of doing your job and fighting the dragons who want
to kill us all?
By the Divines, no. I would never dream of wasting so much time.
That’s something, I guess.
Dawnstar sucks. We’ll definitely be skipping that one.
Looking around, mods have added at least a couple of options for
getting around. For starters, there’s a ring of portals just outside
Whiterun that warp you to any of the Holds you like – regardless of
whether you’ve made the trip there before. Fast, efficient, free. I
approve, even if it is a bit cheaty. Their presence also possibly
explains what the hell a certain familiar looking ship is doing not too
far away…
There’s another option nearby though, which looks much more
entertaining – at least as a one-off. Skyrim already offered carriages
for getting between Holds (though they were easy to miss), but they were
essentially teleporters. That option is still there, but talking to one
of the drivers I notice a new option – Scenic. It’s what it sounds
like, giving you a choice of horse speeds, or the option to just
teleport if you get bored. With this many mods running, getting there is
a question of fighting the odds, but it’s a good addition I’m actually
surprised Bethesda didn’t put in by default. Didn’t everyone complain
about not being able to ride the silt striders in Morrowind? Really? Why
not?
Sadly, with the stability of my Skyrim installation right now,
there’s no way I’m making a full journey by that route. Pity. While the
trips last, it’s hilarious to have the driver casually smashing through
guards and completely unfazed by bits of civil war going on as he
drives. He’s probably the most badass character in the whole of Skyrim,
and he
drives a carriage. Respect owed and delivered, sir.
I make a note to myself to head back after I finish playing the game
and get to see what mods I’m using, switch off a few of the more
intensive ones, and record a video of an example journey. Unfortunately I
don’t ever manage to make a full journey with everything switched on,
but would highly recommend this mod for a more sensible installation.
Skyrim is such a pretty game, but it’s easy to forget that when you’re
fighting for your life or focusing on a quest. When you’re just sitting
there, you appreciate it.
Unfortunately due to game stability, you’ll have to mentally add
moments like the driver casually running over a Giant while driving over
a bridge, or driving through epic magical battles. Sorry. I tried, and
left on as much as seemed safe, but ditching the more active additions
was the only way to get one uninterrupted recording without a freeze,
crash-to-desktop, or full system switch-off.
Picking a destination at random, the dice come up “Markarth”.
Arriving via carriage, it doesn’t take long for some differences to
present themselves – though first of course, there’s a little important
business to be done on Lydia’s behalf before going sightseeing in the
town itself…
There.
I think this will have a real effect on your combat efficiency,
Housecarl. A Mass Effect, if you will. And possibly an effect on your
mass, too.
You know what? I’m okay with this. Sure, this steel corset is crushing my ribs and this mask is air-tight, but at least it’s actual armour. I’d rather have something appropriate to our setting, but yes, I can work with-
Hold it! As an official fictional representative of EA/Bioware, this constitutes copyright infrigement, trademark dilution and nulla mensa sine impensa, and I’m here to sue the pants off you. Literally. Hand them over, and please buy our DLC.
Bad
luck, Housecarl. On the plus side, I just realised that you and that
red bikini might actually have more in common than you’re giving it
credit for.
What the hell are you-
I am sewn to carry your burdens.
Grrrr.
The main change to Markarth, sadly not including a name-change to
Markath like everyone always accidentally spells it, is that it’s been
infested with giant floating jellyfish for some reason. Also, running
in, the guards are swarming all over a naked man. At this point though,
pfft. That’s barely even noticeable any more. Sadly, nothing else really
jumps out while poking around, so I bid it farewell and hit the nearest
portal. As Scrooge toasted himself on Christmas Day – To Solitude!
Is… is that a new thing?
The statue pooping into another statue’s mouth?
Yeah. Was that… here before?
I don’t know. Maybe. I’ve never spent much time in Solitude.
Too many bards. By which I mean, some bards.
Yeah.
I
guess it will have to remain a Mystery For The Ages. Who built this?
Why? Was it an Ozymandias, its meaning lost in dark irony? A statement
of rebellion against a corrupt system? A religious monument to the
spirit of free will?
Really makes you think.
In unrelated news, you wear this now.
I most definitely do not.
It’s funny because you look like an angry chicken.
NO.
Last on the current tour route is Winterhold, on the grounds that it
would be a shame to not at least check out the snowier parts of Skyrim.
Last time I was here, in another life, it was as Arch-Mage of the
College, so I remember it quite well. It’s a quiet part of the world,
unless the mages are up to something. Quiet. Peaceful. Not just because
lots of it fell into the sea a while back, but because… actually, no,
that probably explains it. Either way, it seems like a perfect place to
quietly bring things to a-
HOLY CRAP WEREWOLVES AND THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!
Yes, werewolves. Lots and lots of werewolves, and not the friendly
Companion variety. I land right in the middle of the pitched battle –
hairy creatures of the night on one side, a combined army of town guards
and the Blue Stripes from The Witcher 2-
Hey!
Not my client!
-on the left. The good guys are winning, but there’s a lot of fire
and fangs and Fus Ro Dah-ing going on, so I bravely bail out of the way
and try not to be noticed. Lydia on the other hand joins right in,
apparently working off lots of frustration over something or other.
Surprisingly, she doesn’t just hold her own in battle, she rocks it with
some pretty good lightning powers. Having avoided the wilds today, I’ve
not really seen her in a fight so far, but she really lets rip against
everything in her way.
You… you just saved me. Is this warm glow in my chest what gratitude feels like?
That or hypothermia. I know which I’m rooting for.
Unfortunately it
is hypothermia, and that’s a problem –
having teleported here, Compass doesn’t have any thick clothes to
protect her from the cold – and it only takes minutes to freeze to
death. Despite appearances, Lydia, like the other underdressed NPCs
wandering around, is immune – the effect only seems to apply to the main
character, not Followers or townies or enemies. Unfair!
Chilly, my Thane?
S…s… shut up…
No. This isn’t going to work. Hurrying back to the portal, it’s with
no small relief to get back to safe, warm Whiterun. Winterhold and its
college, and whatever weirdness has been added by the whims of
Sheogorath, will have to wait for another day and a much better suit of
armour. Speaking of which.
Skyforge again? Right. Whatever. You think I care any more? Bring it on, my Thane, bring it on.
In fact, why bother? Why don’t I just rip this thing right off and
dance naked through the streets singing Ragnar the Red at the top of my
voice?
If you like, but I was thinking something more along the lines of…
The…
the hell? Is this dragonbone? And a magic gauntlet for my lightning?
And a lightsaber?! What’s the armour rating on all this? By the Divines,
I could be hit with a truck and barely even feel it! I don’t
understand. What’s the catch?
Catch?
No catch. See, I’ve learned something today – that as fun as abusing
power is, occasionally there are more important things to consider.
Like loyalty? Friendship, even?
Balls
no. Like making sure that if someone’s stupid enough to fight
werewolves for you, they live long enough for you to get away. It’s just
common sense.
I guess that’s better than… wait. I know for a fact
you haven’t killed enough dragons to make this, or have anything like
enough money from playing tourist to buy the rest of it. Where did you
get the components?
Huh?
Summoned them from the console, like with everything else I make.
Crafting materials are for poor people who aren’t also Thanes.
What?
What happened to “Cheating, getting something for nothing – what kind
of boss would I be if I endorsed that kind of slack adventuring?” and
“Making our way through this quest legitimately” and all that other
high-and-mighty talk?
That
doesn’t sound like something I’d say. Anyway, it all worked out, right?
Friends? Frenemies? Hmm. You’ve gone purple. Have you been bitten by a
space weevil?
There are of course many other bits of armour and clothing on offer
in the crafting menu and from certain vendors, but you can probably tell
the pattern. Sensible things do exist, like Lydia’s new dragonbone
armour, a kind of Tron looking thing for mages, and more classic swords
and shields ripped from The Witcher 2, Lord of the Rings, and a couple
of other fantasy series. The bulk of it though seems taken up with
assorted anti-gravity bras, panties, leotards and nipple-poking lycra
horrors in an assortment of colours – and I don’t just mean for the
ladies, but as a general thing. The number of original outfits for men
on the various screens can be counted on the fingers of one hand –
presumably the one hand not otherwise occupied while most of them were
being designed.
Despite a little cheating on Lydia’s behalf, mostly to make up for
her default look, Compass herself is of course still wearing her bandit
gear as scavenged to avoid going
too far. As for the adventure,
exploring the world has certainly produced some odd things, but
spreading things out so thinly, it can be a little tough to spot the
differences. Next time then, it’s time to dig deeper into a single Hold –
and where better to go spread a little chaos than Skyrim’s biggest hive
of scum, villainy, and-
Not
so fast, my Thane. After what you just put me through, did you think I
was just going to let you just walk away from that forge like nothing
happened?
I was rather expecting you to, yes. Since you’re an NPC who has to obey-
Not
this time. Not after all that. You had your fun with me, but you know
what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow is my turn.
Tomorrow! Lydia’s revenge! A corrupt city cries out for a
hero! Compass, saviour or destroyer? The world’s wussiest Mafia! A visit
from the God of Madness! Wabbajack!
Skyrim: Week Of Madness
The insanity continues… come along for the ride…
Day 1: The World According To Sheogorath
Day 2: Quest For Dignity – The Housecarl Chronicles
Day 3: The Dovahkiin Riften Deserves, Not The Hero It Needs (Coming Wednesday)
Day 4: Yet There Is Method In It, And Also Cheese (Coming Thursday)
Day 5: The Life And Deaths Of Compass Meridian (Coming Friday)
